Friday, November 19, 2010

Just a Rant

Okay so If you are paying attention to my blog you will notice that this main page is also referred to as "Random Rants" so with that It is time for a Random Rant....

I am a 90% stay at home mother..What does that mean well it means that if it works out I get to go to work one day a week for between 4 and 8 hours. Well with that being said I am not a miracle worker. I give huge points to the mom's who can chase a kid, keep a clean house, have a life and get some time for hobbies. THAT IS NOT ME....I suffer from a severe case of Social Anxiety Disorder..Now I know what you are thinking that just means you hate big crowds it is no big deal...well I hate to break it to you but SAD is a huge deal as is General Anxiety Disorder or GAD for short. With that being said, not many medicines work for Anxiety disorders and often then treat it like depression but IT IS NOT DEPRESSION. it is a physical inability to function. Okay so I hear the thought you are saying that is depression. Nope, I am not depressed I am a happy very active person, I love to hang out with friends, read books, enjoy the outdoors and all the things you hear that depressed people cant do. Well the problem is that the world scares me. yep that is exactly what it is, I am terrified of things like cleaning house, or shopping in crowded settings. I am terrified that you will come to my home and judge me if it is not spotless because i stay home all day. So i take the approach that oh well if you are going to judge you are not welcome. and then i live in a organized chaos. every couple of weeks the hubby helps out and we have a massive cleaning day. But I can not physically handle constantly cleaning as well as laundry, the kid and my hobbies. I love life it just scares me. I am an active social butterfly but that is my hurdle i deal with. It takes alot for me to do the things I love and so when I am home I just can't do anything. Everyone things I am lazy but it is actually the fact that this is my haven and if I dont want to clean I dont have too.
My Anxiety also means I over think everything. So anything that is said or done Will work away in my brain to the worst case senerio and then I am just a mess. So remember that if you are saying something to me and not thinking it through. also remember that if you think I will get over something it is no big deal you are wrong. It will bug me and fester for ages to come until the air is cleared...So are you worried you insulted me...well you probably did..Not originally but because my brain will continue with the thought process until it is an insult...maybe even days later...I don't hate you I am not better than you but Just getting dressed and going to church is a very scary and difficult for me...So if I am quiet or withdrawn it is because my brain has told me that I can't handle it and that I am not welcome. Logically I know differently and I work on it every time i do something but that is my hurdle and I am stuck with it....
Okay so back to what my rant is...I am not perfect and I never will be...well at least were being a perfect stay at home mom is concerned. If you have a problem with it then I am sorry, It is my house and I do what I can but I have other priorities in my life then cleaning all day everyday. I have a daughter to play with and entertain, I have hobbies and play dates and most of all I have the love of my life as my husband and frankly i would rather go on an all day date then clean house...So If you have someone in your life who's house is not sparkling clean don't judge them you never know what is going on for them...
  

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